The Story of Shit by Midas Dekkers

Author:Midas Dekkers [Midas Dekkers]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: The Text Publishing Company
Published: 2018-01-02T00:00:00+00:00

German soldiers even had rules for shitting during the First World War: not from the side but in the ‘squatting position’.

Having reached the rectum after its long journey, the turd is ready and wants to get out. But it’s not quite that easy. Usually it comes up against a closed door: the anus. And before it reaches the back door itself, the shit has to pass through the gateway to the anal canal, where the intestine bores through the muscular pelvic floor. The twist in the puborectalis muscle serves as a storm door. When it pulls the intestine forward it forms a sharp 80-degree angle. Should any shit slip through anyway, it gets sent back like a truant child. This is where the anal canal makes use of a good trick: it squeezes together at the exit more often than at the entrance. The back door itself shuts as firmly as the cap of a tube, except that instead of a twist-off cap there’s a sphincter muscle. No turd, no drip, no cloud of gas can escape. ‘Poems are made by fools like me,’ urologist Victor Marshall taught his students in order to impart a bit of respect for the anus, ‘but only God can make a sphincter.’ The anal sphincter is made with a double wall. The inner wall is just the extension of the intestinal sphincters. Like every smooth muscle, the action of the innermost sphincter is involuntary. It simply relaxes as soon as a sufficient amount of shit presents itself. But most of the time it keeps itself tightly closed, a condition of which it never tires. The outermost sphincter, on the other hand, is dead beat after a minute of squeezing. Like all true striated muscles its action is voluntary, although it’s sometimes disobedient.

Once your brain has granted permission, the puborectalis muscle relaxes, the twist in the rectum slackens to a 125-degree angle, and the pelvis drops, anus and all. Now the pelvic floor is like a hungry funnel, ready to receive the turd and push it out with the help of the diaphragm muscles and the muscles of the abdominal wall. But sometimes something gets in the way. Oncoming traffic. That’s what happened to a carpenter’s apprentice from Great Yarmouth in around 1725. According to an article in Philosophical Transactions with the telling title ‘An Account of a Fork Put up the Anus, that Was Afterwards Drawn Out Through the Buttock’, he reported to Mr John Ranby, Surgeon F.R.S., with the tines of a fork protruding from his bottom.

Being costive, he put the said Fork up his Fundament, thinking by that Means to help himself, but unfortunately it slipt up so far, that he could not recover it again. It is 6 Inches and a half long, a long Pocket-Fork; the Handle is Ivory, but is dyed of a very dark-brown Colour; the Iron Part is very black and smooth, but not rusty.

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